feelings

feeling weird, feeling unsatisfied with myself, not sure what I shoud feel or should not and how I should react. change is coming up again, around me, with me, me inside it. again something finished, mission completed, game over and new perspectives, views opening up.

tons of thoughts going through my head, too many, that I cannot even capture all of them and really think them to the end, or want to start thinking them properly. not the place, not the time, not the will to do so. repressing everything and nevertheless knowing the thougths and feelings are there.

everything felt moving so slowley, too slowley and now everything is going fast, nearly too fast.

less structured time coming up, but still already framed in order not to loose myself in it. maybe even too framed or not even enough? who knows?

definitely a lot of thinking time needed...
do I know myself enough? do I have to dig deeper and discover more? still the old question coming up who am I? did I change again? did my values change? when will I finally finish thinking about my mission in the world and know it? what is it that I want to do before I have kids and are less flexi? where would I like to go? any dreams I don't know about yet?

my head cannot stop asking, put my brain refuses processing. more time needed. more space needed. starting to answer when the struggle with myself is won.

we're better together

Listening to Jack Johnson's In between Dreams Album for the fourth time today.
These lyrics just describe how I feel at the moment.

"There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing but I can try for your heart
And our dreams and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

It's always better when we're together
We'll look at the stars when we're together

...
...

I believe in memories they look so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no song I could sing
And ther is no combination of words I could say
But I wills till tell you one thing
We're better together"

Life in the mid twenties

It is Saturday, lunch time... I just came back from my hairdresser where I spend two relaxing hours being pampered and I am happy that my hair looks nice again :).
the last 1.5 weeks I live in Zurich were quite exciting but also a bit packed, settling in at my boyfriend`s place, flat hunting and travelling home to Austria for the weekend.

The weekend at `home`- was really nice and relaxing. It is always great to see my old friends again. We are a group of girls who went together to school for 8 years and now all of us are heading into different directions a bit. Up to now I was the one living not anymore in Tyrol. But from autumn on one moves to Graz and another friend of mine to Berlin to do a Masters degree related to her work. So three out of us five are not living in Tyrol anymore. My sister stays in Tyrol, she has a great job there, and another friend of mine, she has two kids, is married and just moved into their new house.
It`s a bit weird all of us going to live different lives but also exciting. Everyone has another story to tell and it gives the opportunity to visit each other at different places. Seems that is they way how we slowly really grow up... now in our mid twenties. It will be nice to see where we are all in 5 years time. Today we all really have no clue ;) will we be married and have kids? where will we live? what will our jobs look like?

For me, one chapter of my life closes in three weeks - my MC term - and I am really looking forward to my 8 weeks break between the MC term and my new job. 8 weeks for me, 3 weeks of it in Spain, the wedding of one of my cousins taking place in Gardasee, Italy. It gives me time to reflect about the last year, to enjoy life a bit more and do things I did not have time to in the last year. Like spending half a day in a bookshop, reading more about plants and gardening, doing more sports, relaxing on the lake. Seeing friends.
I am curious, curious what the next half a year brings, how my life changes again a bit, how I change with life. Curious about the new things to learn, new people to meet.

Still one topic open, my new flat... I saw one I really liked Friday a week ago... I have good changes to get it. I will know in the next days. Let`s see and wait. I`ll see it as kind of a sign, if I get it cool, I mean the house is red - my favorite colour - the flat light flooded, cosy, `herzig`, enough space, a balcony, garden to use.... really my flat. If I am not getting it, I maybe don`t look further... rethink my situation and maybe I decide to stay where I am at the moment. `Cause I really like it to have Fabian around me that much.

Life is crazy sometimes... you think you know what you want, but suddently your inner feelings come up with something different.

take a deep breath

Again I was visiting some flats this evening after work. For those who don't know, I visited now a few, applied for two and did not get both of them, as I expected.
I stepped out of the train at Zurich Train Station, walked through the train station hall which was croweded as usual. I always have to stop for a second and look at the life going on in this train station. People all over the place, on their way to somewhere. Moving at rapid pace, but somehow everybody manages to get through the crowed without bumping into everybody else. I love this train station and the life it reflects.

Then stepping out of the train hall, warm summer wind, my view always first wanders to the river, the Limmat and then direction Grossmuenster and lake. I take the tram, driving to the lake district. People everywhere outside on the street, street cafes, some modern, some more beer garden style. People sitting there and chatting, living, enjoying life - enjoying Zurich.
Then Bellvue, the view to the lake - how I love that lake and the summer holiday flair it has and the big relaxation factor. Go there during the week when you have a day off - and enjoy it empty, no noise, just the birds and the small waves coming in when the water taxis crosses the lake.

Off the tram I get, visiting the one room flat. A nice one, 18m2 room, small kitchen in the entrance room, nice bathroom and a really nice balcony. Quiet and just around the corner of my favorite part of the lake.

Tram again, to a different part of the city. The window in the tram is open and the wind refreshes me. People sitting outside again, this city is buzzing with life. I like that!
Second flat is also nice, top floor under the roof - no stairs... - entrance room, kitchen and bathroom are very 70ies, red Plättliboden in the entrance hall, kind of red of everything in the bathroom (sink, toilet, tube) and dark wood in the kitchen. But the living room! 45m2 huge, light with a cheminee... huge! Big bedroom and a big balcony to the inner court, where there is a big garden you can use.

Then I walked to Fabian's place, just 7 minutes away from the flat. I looked around me again. I smile, take a deep breath, a breath of the summer air, and a breath of Zurich. And I swear myself - I will not just live in that city I will live the city!

It offers so much, now I just have to live it.